Fall Haiku 2.0

leaves are falling down
you stumble in the brisk air
wine induced coma

Warning (haiku)

Every time you laugh
at Adam Sandler movies
the Universe cries

I've Gotta Take This

Go ahead
Take the call
We're only at Steak and Shake
And you did put extra gel in your hair today

But sometimes my attempted sympathy
For your important calls that make you feel important
Betrays the growing shadow on my heart

I scream in silence...
I wish you fondled me more than your Blackberry

Sleepy Time

It’s 3:30 AM

You tried counting sheep

Closing your eyes

You realize you’re not going to sleep

You get out of bed and turn on the TV

As you flick through basic cable

On a very special “Cheaters” you watch

A guy get bitch slapped from a girl with an exposed navel

You leave Joey Greco

And consider the soaking power of Sham-Wow™

It holds 20 times it weight in liquid

and the extra special offer ends 5 minutes from now

You find yourself wondering

Did you take 2 or 3 Tylenol PM’s

When you think “Hey that’s a deal!”

20% off your next purchase on ExtenZe®

Mari Windsor Pilates

Hip Hop Abs and Turbo Jam

Tony Little’s Gazelle

Do they think you look like a Honey Baked Ham©

You can finally bling out that denim jacket

With the Bedazzler™ the jewels will be adhered

Stumbling on Mighty Magic Putty, you question:

Will Billy Mays ever shave that fucking beard?

You start to feel a chill

And decide to order Draft Blocker©

Don’t forgot to get the Snuggie®

It’s great for thise outdoor games of Sucker, soccer

Trust your future

To Miss Cleo’s™ cards of fate

He ain’t your babby’s daddy

And the perv’s at LavaLife® can wait

You finally feel tired

And to sleep you eagerly surrender

Amused that the Magic Bullet ™

Is the name of a vibrator and a blender

Winter in Jersey

Step into the booth
Artificial sunshine warms your soul
The smell of antiseptic and coconut
Keeps your feet planted on the center line

Warnings of skin cancer with prolonged use,
but you continue for fear of schoolchildren pointing you
out like an albino at the mall

The damage to your corneas
diverted with your Devo sunglasses,
you lather up the Tingle Hemp lotion and
fry like KFC original recipe.

Crank up the radio in your
personal Easy Bake Oven
You feel warm for the suggested 4
but up to maximum of 8 minutes

You step out, towel off and get dressed
Slowly shedding off a layer of epidermis
Over the next 48 hours.

You depart, waving to the orange glow stick
Working behind the desk
You will be back
To roast another day

The scent of Nostalgia

I couldn’t believe we met again
After so many years
At the local drugstore

Memories of middle school
So long ago
What was stunning is
That you are exactly the same

You were my first,
I stole you from my older sister
She was upset at first but had
Others to choose from

I couldn’t help but
Feel you out for old times sakes.
I sprayed Love’s Baby Soft into the air
And it struck me,
Damn, I must have smelled like a Carefree pantyliner though junior high.

Coworker Presents

(as inspired by a Stacy Shannon blog)

I wish I could put into words
What words cannot convey
The present you got me, dear coworker
One week from Christmas Day.

You wrapped it in the paper
From your spare room with the scrapbooking stand
The scent of it is like a second gift since it
Shared space with your cat’s litter pan

It’s obvious you don’t know me,
But still you still care a tad
To help me avoid carpal tunnel
HARK! The gel wrist support mousepad

How dare you wait?
12 months to share
With me last year’s reject
A purse from RocaWear

Not sure what I did
To make you feel this way
Inspiring you to go to CVS
And buy me a bottle of Jean Nate

I shouldn’t mock or judge
Or bother being upset or holler
Your cost savvy ways I respect
With presents from “Everything’s a Dollar”

I wouldn’t mind some booze
Anything from your local Liquor rack
But the clearance table from 1983 called
They want their “Balsam and Ass” bath set back.

I guess what I am saying
Is that I feel the same
I filled a crap-ass mug with ribbon candy
Who knew we’d think the same?

Winter Haiku

Wool, itchy but warm
Skin all red and inflamed
Shit! Shrunk in dryer

Chapter 5

Christmas Party

After draining your 8th cup of Christmas cheer
you stumble from the buffet table
snickerdoodle and fruitcake crumbs
accentuate your reindeer tie

As the classic 2001 “Now! That’s What I Call Xmas” serenades us
your Santa hat knocks over the mistletoe
and so with great joy you place it just above your belt buckle
and to my great horror I realize I’m drunk enough to find that funny

Then I turn away, grasping for the last bottle of merlot, silently
wishing you would eat that mistletoe so I could watch you die

Merry Christmas!

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Book Club (Haiku)

No, I do not care
to join your lame-ass book club
Oprah is a Sith Lord

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Unity (Haiku)

You’re a Democrat
I am a Republican
we both hate Dane Cook

Chapter 4

Hobo

Nose inhale stench
Eyes water and chum peaks
PATCO at its best

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Don't Be

Don't be that guy
who gives me a high-five
who dances to "Jump Around" with a Coors Light
who wears boat shoes but has never been on a boat

Don't be that girl
who thinks that shirt still fits
who brags about screwing the bass player from Jimmy Eats World
who puts Beanie Babies in her Ford Focus

Don't be that crack whore
who shoots up during Christmas dinner
who sells his last hit to an 8-year old
who steals his mother's VCR instead of the DVD player

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My Sunshine (Haiku)

the bright warm sun shines
on you and me and our love
giving us cancer

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Why I Hate Karaoke Night At The Pub (Haiku)

karaoke girl
take me from your drunky town
in the key of tone deaf

Chapter 3

Filling up

On a beautiful summer day, the windows rolled down
and a cool lake breeze caresses my face
I roll into the station and pump my regular gas
I remember a time when I felt the exact same.

It was in prison and I dropped the soap.

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Battle On Reproductive Hill

Into the night on day 28
the war raged on
ovary on fallopian tube
uterus on cervix
the throes of battle
creating a flowing river of pain
of irrational sobbing
of door slamming
of curling in the fetal position around a heating pad trying not to puke

But Alas! And Hark!
On the horizon,
the beacon of hope
the bottle of relief
acetaminophen has arrived
on dri-weave wings
to bring peace
to the distended field

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The Devil Wears a Hairnet

Sitting in the shade
Of the nation’s pastime
The summer sun was warm
But I didn’t mind.

I started to get hungry
So I got out of my seat
It was time for a hot dog
12 inches of salty meat!

At last I got to the front
Of the never ending line
The pissy cashier took my order
And said “that will be 21.99”

I said “What the crap?
“The tickets already put me in the hole
How do you expect me to pay for this?”
She said “The Mariners will take your cash, check or your SOUL!!!”

I told them to throw in some fries
And they got a deal
Little do they know, the Phillies got my spirit 3 years ago
For a fried chicken meal.

Chapter 2

Father's Day

I wonder if you received the card I sent
the one with the little girl hugging her father
and if you were as disappointed as me to know that
Surprise! You're the baby's daddy!

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Wisdom Teeth

Most complain of pain
but you quietly erupt through the surface
of my gumline.
You may be impacted but my jaw tells me
this is not so.
The only unwise thing about you
is hording tuna behind my molars for later

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Worker's Comp Claim

Your only fault
was a job well done.
Don't you come in on time everyday?
Don't you go above and beyond the call of duty?
Just how loyal are you?
You walk head-first into a ceramic chicken
but keep going to make the sale, while bleeding and grossing out
people around you.
You are employee of the month, mon frere!

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Understanding

I try to understand you
It is so hard to do
But maybe I could
If there was a cure for lockjaw

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Time

So much time
So little space
When locked in a closet
For 48 days

___________________________________


Shoelaces

Look at my shoelaces
So sad
They want to be tied
But I have no hands

___________________________________


The Clown

See the clown laughing and playing?
He wants to make everyone happy
See the clown make balloon animals?
He wants to make everyone smile
See the clown throw the midget into the wall?
He wants to make everyone happy

Chapter 1

Bridesmaid

Painful shoes
Tasteless Lean Cuisines
Sweaty gym
Pricey gowns
Cheesey Smiles
Control Top Hose
The depth of my sisterly love concealed in a periwinkle sausage suit.
{sniff}

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Chapped Lips

Painful flakes on cracked lips
Memories of you walking the Mojabi Desert
Berrylicious relief caresses my mouth
What the fuck were you doing
in the Mojabi Desert?

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Fat Girl In Low-Rise Jeans (Haiku)

Your denim booty
rests below the horizon
please don't bend over

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SEA to PHL (Haiku)

Flying cross county
My bladder shrinks with
thoughts of the tiny pot

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Lentils

When my dog licks her ass
I remember the time you cooked lentils
and it tasted like
ass
I still can't believe you managed to
screw up lentils but you always
tried so hard to make me happy,
to warm my soul
with your ass lentils

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Fiber (Haiku)

Fruits and veggies
a part of a good diet
my colon is sad

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Warm Spot

The waves are sliding up the shore,
and your bladder tightens in rhythm
with the rolling tide and seagull call

The sun is slowly setting
and you can no longer keep it inside.
Yearning for relief beneath your tankini,
while the empty bottle of Diet Coke taunts your soul

So plunge into the cold waters!
Wade waist-deep in nature's pool
feel the warm release slowly rise
to brighten the deep blue sea.........
........but do not linger too long,
lest the high tide carries your warm spot
over the chubby kid on the boogie board,
exposing your private moment in earshot
of the hottie lifeguard

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The Cold

When you sneezed
and your cool, wet breath
gently kissed my face
and your slimy, dirty germs
silently attacked my immune system
and broke it down like the
track list to Fired Up!
I wished you weren't such an
inconsiderate douchebag
for not using a tissue
you fudking buddhole

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Naked

Running naked in the streets
Free

Prancing, everything touching
It’s cold, but you’re free

Bathing suit area uncovered
Nude body dancing for open windows
Your audience looks on in wonder
While dialing the police
Sirens

Terror strikes your naughty bits
You flee into the bushes
A quivering mass of exposed flesh
Just wanting to be free

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Dentures

Grandpa’s dentures in a jar
Soaking all night
Drowning in effervescence

No one know its fears
No one can see its tears
Wanting to be part of Grandpa

Forever

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Camping

Camping out
in a tent
it’s very wet
bunking buddy
drank after ten
bittersweet sorrow
on your air mattress
under the autumn moon