Chapter 4

Hobo

Nose inhale stench
Eyes water and chum peaks
PATCO at its best

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Don't Be

Don't be that guy
who gives me a high-five
who dances to "Jump Around" with a Coors Light
who wears boat shoes but has never been on a boat

Don't be that girl
who thinks that shirt still fits
who brags about screwing the bass player from Jimmy Eats World
who puts Beanie Babies in her Ford Focus

Don't be that crack whore
who shoots up during Christmas dinner
who sells his last hit to an 8-year old
who steals his mother's VCR instead of the DVD player

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My Sunshine (Haiku)

the bright warm sun shines
on you and me and our love
giving us cancer

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Why I Hate Karaoke Night At The Pub (Haiku)

karaoke girl
take me from your drunky town
in the key of tone deaf

Chapter 3

Filling up

On a beautiful summer day, the windows rolled down
and a cool lake breeze caresses my face
I roll into the station and pump my regular gas
I remember a time when I felt the exact same.

It was in prison and I dropped the soap.

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Battle On Reproductive Hill

Into the night on day 28
the war raged on
ovary on fallopian tube
uterus on cervix
the throes of battle
creating a flowing river of pain
of irrational sobbing
of door slamming
of curling in the fetal position around a heating pad trying not to puke

But Alas! And Hark!
On the horizon,
the beacon of hope
the bottle of relief
acetaminophen has arrived
on dri-weave wings
to bring peace
to the distended field

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The Devil Wears a Hairnet

Sitting in the shade
Of the nation’s pastime
The summer sun was warm
But I didn’t mind.

I started to get hungry
So I got out of my seat
It was time for a hot dog
12 inches of salty meat!

At last I got to the front
Of the never ending line
The pissy cashier took my order
And said “that will be 21.99”

I said “What the crap?
“The tickets already put me in the hole
How do you expect me to pay for this?”
She said “The Mariners will take your cash, check or your SOUL!!!”

I told them to throw in some fries
And they got a deal
Little do they know, the Phillies got my spirit 3 years ago
For a fried chicken meal.

Chapter 2

Father's Day

I wonder if you received the card I sent
the one with the little girl hugging her father
and if you were as disappointed as me to know that
Surprise! You're the baby's daddy!

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Wisdom Teeth

Most complain of pain
but you quietly erupt through the surface
of my gumline.
You may be impacted but my jaw tells me
this is not so.
The only unwise thing about you
is hording tuna behind my molars for later

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Worker's Comp Claim

Your only fault
was a job well done.
Don't you come in on time everyday?
Don't you go above and beyond the call of duty?
Just how loyal are you?
You walk head-first into a ceramic chicken
but keep going to make the sale, while bleeding and grossing out
people around you.
You are employee of the month, mon frere!

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Understanding

I try to understand you
It is so hard to do
But maybe I could
If there was a cure for lockjaw

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Time

So much time
So little space
When locked in a closet
For 48 days

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Shoelaces

Look at my shoelaces
So sad
They want to be tied
But I have no hands

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The Clown

See the clown laughing and playing?
He wants to make everyone happy
See the clown make balloon animals?
He wants to make everyone smile
See the clown throw the midget into the wall?
He wants to make everyone happy

Chapter 1

Bridesmaid

Painful shoes
Tasteless Lean Cuisines
Sweaty gym
Pricey gowns
Cheesey Smiles
Control Top Hose
The depth of my sisterly love concealed in a periwinkle sausage suit.
{sniff}

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Chapped Lips

Painful flakes on cracked lips
Memories of you walking the Mojabi Desert
Berrylicious relief caresses my mouth
What the fuck were you doing
in the Mojabi Desert?

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Fat Girl In Low-Rise Jeans (Haiku)

Your denim booty
rests below the horizon
please don't bend over

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SEA to PHL (Haiku)

Flying cross county
My bladder shrinks with
thoughts of the tiny pot

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Lentils

When my dog licks her ass
I remember the time you cooked lentils
and it tasted like
ass
I still can't believe you managed to
screw up lentils but you always
tried so hard to make me happy,
to warm my soul
with your ass lentils

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Fiber (Haiku)

Fruits and veggies
a part of a good diet
my colon is sad

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Warm Spot

The waves are sliding up the shore,
and your bladder tightens in rhythm
with the rolling tide and seagull call

The sun is slowly setting
and you can no longer keep it inside.
Yearning for relief beneath your tankini,
while the empty bottle of Diet Coke taunts your soul

So plunge into the cold waters!
Wade waist-deep in nature's pool
feel the warm release slowly rise
to brighten the deep blue sea.........
........but do not linger too long,
lest the high tide carries your warm spot
over the chubby kid on the boogie board,
exposing your private moment in earshot
of the hottie lifeguard

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The Cold

When you sneezed
and your cool, wet breath
gently kissed my face
and your slimy, dirty germs
silently attacked my immune system
and broke it down like the
track list to Fired Up!
I wished you weren't such an
inconsiderate douchebag
for not using a tissue
you fudking buddhole

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Naked

Running naked in the streets
Free

Prancing, everything touching
It’s cold, but you’re free

Bathing suit area uncovered
Nude body dancing for open windows
Your audience looks on in wonder
While dialing the police
Sirens

Terror strikes your naughty bits
You flee into the bushes
A quivering mass of exposed flesh
Just wanting to be free

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Dentures

Grandpa’s dentures in a jar
Soaking all night
Drowning in effervescence

No one know its fears
No one can see its tears
Wanting to be part of Grandpa

Forever

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Camping

Camping out
in a tent
it’s very wet
bunking buddy
drank after ten
bittersweet sorrow
on your air mattress
under the autumn moon