Coworker Presents

(as inspired by a Stacy Shannon blog)

I wish I could put into words
What words cannot convey
The present you got me, dear coworker
One week from Christmas Day.

You wrapped it in the paper
From your spare room with the scrapbooking stand
The scent of it is like a second gift since it
Shared space with your cat’s litter pan

It’s obvious you don’t know me,
But still you still care a tad
To help me avoid carpal tunnel
HARK! The gel wrist support mousepad

How dare you wait?
12 months to share
With me last year’s reject
A purse from RocaWear

Not sure what I did
To make you feel this way
Inspiring you to go to CVS
And buy me a bottle of Jean Nate

I shouldn’t mock or judge
Or bother being upset or holler
Your cost savvy ways I respect
With presents from “Everything’s a Dollar”

I wouldn’t mind some booze
Anything from your local Liquor rack
But the clearance table from 1983 called
They want their “Balsam and Ass” bath set back.

I guess what I am saying
Is that I feel the same
I filled a crap-ass mug with ribbon candy
Who knew we’d think the same?

Winter Haiku

Wool, itchy but warm
Skin all red and inflamed
Shit! Shrunk in dryer

Chapter 5

Christmas Party

After draining your 8th cup of Christmas cheer
you stumble from the buffet table
snickerdoodle and fruitcake crumbs
accentuate your reindeer tie

As the classic 2001 “Now! That’s What I Call Xmas” serenades us
your Santa hat knocks over the mistletoe
and so with great joy you place it just above your belt buckle
and to my great horror I realize I’m drunk enough to find that funny

Then I turn away, grasping for the last bottle of merlot, silently
wishing you would eat that mistletoe so I could watch you die

Merry Christmas!

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Book Club (Haiku)

No, I do not care
to join your lame-ass book club
Oprah is a Sith Lord

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Unity (Haiku)

You’re a Democrat
I am a Republican
we both hate Dane Cook