Fall Haiku 2.0

leaves are falling down
you stumble in the brisk air
wine induced coma

Warning (haiku)

Every time you laugh
at Adam Sandler movies
the Universe cries

I've Gotta Take This

Go ahead
Take the call
We're only at Steak and Shake
And you did put extra gel in your hair today

But sometimes my attempted sympathy
For your important calls that make you feel important
Betrays the growing shadow on my heart

I scream in silence...
I wish you fondled me more than your Blackberry

Sleepy Time

It’s 3:30 AM

You tried counting sheep

Closing your eyes

You realize you’re not going to sleep

You get out of bed and turn on the TV

As you flick through basic cable

On a very special “Cheaters” you watch

A guy get bitch slapped from a girl with an exposed navel

You leave Joey Greco

And consider the soaking power of Sham-Wow™

It holds 20 times it weight in liquid

and the extra special offer ends 5 minutes from now

You find yourself wondering

Did you take 2 or 3 Tylenol PM’s

When you think “Hey that’s a deal!”

20% off your next purchase on ExtenZe®

Mari Windsor Pilates

Hip Hop Abs and Turbo Jam

Tony Little’s Gazelle

Do they think you look like a Honey Baked Ham©

You can finally bling out that denim jacket

With the Bedazzler™ the jewels will be adhered

Stumbling on Mighty Magic Putty, you question:

Will Billy Mays ever shave that fucking beard?

You start to feel a chill

And decide to order Draft Blocker©

Don’t forgot to get the Snuggie®

It’s great for thise outdoor games of Sucker, soccer

Trust your future

To Miss Cleo’s™ cards of fate

He ain’t your babby’s daddy

And the perv’s at LavaLife® can wait

You finally feel tired

And to sleep you eagerly surrender

Amused that the Magic Bullet ™

Is the name of a vibrator and a blender

Winter in Jersey

Step into the booth
Artificial sunshine warms your soul
The smell of antiseptic and coconut
Keeps your feet planted on the center line

Warnings of skin cancer with prolonged use,
but you continue for fear of schoolchildren pointing you
out like an albino at the mall

The damage to your corneas
diverted with your Devo sunglasses,
you lather up the Tingle Hemp lotion and
fry like KFC original recipe.

Crank up the radio in your
personal Easy Bake Oven
You feel warm for the suggested 4
but up to maximum of 8 minutes

You step out, towel off and get dressed
Slowly shedding off a layer of epidermis
Over the next 48 hours.

You depart, waving to the orange glow stick
Working behind the desk
You will be back
To roast another day

The scent of Nostalgia

I couldn’t believe we met again
After so many years
At the local drugstore

Memories of middle school
So long ago
What was stunning is
That you are exactly the same

You were my first,
I stole you from my older sister
She was upset at first but had
Others to choose from

I couldn’t help but
Feel you out for old times sakes.
I sprayed Love’s Baby Soft into the air
And it struck me,
Damn, I must have smelled like a Carefree pantyliner though junior high.

Coworker Presents

(as inspired by a Stacy Shannon blog)

I wish I could put into words
What words cannot convey
The present you got me, dear coworker
One week from Christmas Day.

You wrapped it in the paper
From your spare room with the scrapbooking stand
The scent of it is like a second gift since it
Shared space with your cat’s litter pan

It’s obvious you don’t know me,
But still you still care a tad
To help me avoid carpal tunnel
HARK! The gel wrist support mousepad

How dare you wait?
12 months to share
With me last year’s reject
A purse from RocaWear

Not sure what I did
To make you feel this way
Inspiring you to go to CVS
And buy me a bottle of Jean Nate

I shouldn’t mock or judge
Or bother being upset or holler
Your cost savvy ways I respect
With presents from “Everything’s a Dollar”

I wouldn’t mind some booze
Anything from your local Liquor rack
But the clearance table from 1983 called
They want their “Balsam and Ass” bath set back.

I guess what I am saying
Is that I feel the same
I filled a crap-ass mug with ribbon candy
Who knew we’d think the same?

Winter Haiku

Wool, itchy but warm
Skin all red and inflamed
Shit! Shrunk in dryer

Chapter 5

Christmas Party

After draining your 8th cup of Christmas cheer
you stumble from the buffet table
snickerdoodle and fruitcake crumbs
accentuate your reindeer tie

As the classic 2001 “Now! That’s What I Call Xmas” serenades us
your Santa hat knocks over the mistletoe
and so with great joy you place it just above your belt buckle
and to my great horror I realize I’m drunk enough to find that funny

Then I turn away, grasping for the last bottle of merlot, silently
wishing you would eat that mistletoe so I could watch you die

Merry Christmas!

______________________________________

Book Club (Haiku)

No, I do not care
to join your lame-ass book club
Oprah is a Sith Lord

_______________________________________

Unity (Haiku)

You’re a Democrat
I am a Republican
we both hate Dane Cook